Meeting Conflict
Conflict in life is inevitable. In relationships, life situations, communities, families, work environments, the list is endless. Life is all about relationship and there is no doubt that the waters can become tumultuous at times in various arenas.
Most, if not all of us, were not taught how to navigate conflict productively. Meeting conflict in a way that is honoring of ourselves and the situation at large is generally elusive to humanity on the whole.
This is of no fault of anyone, it’s simply that talking about, engaging in, and dissecting the realm of conflict is not very appealing or pleasurable per se. Even choosing to write about this subject demanded that I dig deep and push through the resistance of even wanting to dive into this realm.
Let’s face it, these times have propelled each of us to take a good look at how we are moving through the world, what relationships and situations have expired and/or need some fine-tuning, and where our growing edges are on the whole.
I believe that this is a necessary subject to talk about as everything is magnified right now and the skills of integrity, kindness, and fierceness with them in our more challenging interactions is crucial for the growth and evolution of humanity.
This brings me to the why around writing these detailed blog posts. I believe that changes can happen one person at a time. If one person who reads my words makes a new choice in how they are relating to a situation in their life that is ridden with conflict, then that is one positive ripple in the whole.
That is truly what it is going to take in these dense times. Individuals making new choices and facing their own fears, edges, and discomfort and stepping into the fire of life in a way that is aligned with their unwavering truth. From there, we truly can heal the planet….beginning with healing ourselves first and our close relationships and communities.
We CAN create change and meet conflict in a way that is in integrity, from the heart, and from our most upright and aligned selves…that’s where the medicine lies.
Personally speaking, I have navigated the most heart-breaking situation in the past 2 weeks that was in conflict with every ounce of who I am, how I show up in the world, and what I believe and preach. It was a gut wrenching and personal attack, demanding my Mama bear claws to emerge.
What I am learning (finally!!) is that it can actually be incredibly empowering to meet conflict with myself upright and aligned, rather than avoid it (guilty!). This doesn’t mean that we become consumed, engulfed, and overrun by the conflict. Rather, we can choose to stand tall in ourselves, choose to keep our hearts open, and we can meet the conflict from that place of integrity.
When we do, we build new inner muscles of strength that hold us upright just a bit taller.
We gain access to our true voices in a way that perhaps were unavailable to us up until that point.
We tap into a well of clarity in ourselves that translates into our lives in immeasurable ways.
And, it is not a simple and friendly process! As a queen avoider I completely understand the pull away from conflict. I understand that avoiding conflict may feel like an “easier” option rather than actually facing it.
However, what I can attest to is that when we do meet conflict in alignment with our fierce, vulnerable, heart-full, and integral selves on board there is an opportunity to heal deeply from within and tap into a well of inner strength and power that is inspired and embodied.
And, even when we choose to meet conflict with integrity, with our hearts on board and our spines upright….there is pain. There is a natural down turn and layers of feelings and emotions.
When we find the courage to speak our truth, to face conflict with kindness and clear inner boundaries, we may not feel immediate relief, satisfaction, or gratification. We may, instead, feel what it feels like to be raw and vulnerable and not well received. It may be a painful moment of feeling exposed with no comforting conclusion.
Just because we meet the conflict, rather than avoid it, doesn’t mean that there is resolution. It doesn’t mean that there is a guaranteed resolve of the situation. And, it certainly doesn’t mean that there is always a positive outcome.
When we do choose to meet conflict in alignment it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be received in that matter. What I am learning more and more is that it doesn’t matter how it is received.
We can only do our absolute best utilizing the tools that we have accessible and let go of the outcome.
The message that I keep getting loud and clear is that just because we choose to meet conflict head on doesn’t mean that the other party or parties involved can meet you in that arena. That no matter how much consciousness we may put into our interactions and communications, others may not have the capacity to meet it.
I believe this to be for so many one of those painful life lessons. We cannot control another person and truly all that we can do is show up to the best of our ability in every given moment.
I am someone who chooses to believe in the good of humanity. To look past differences and bridge the gap of our shared humanness. Yet, what I was reminded of in the experience referred to above, is that not everyone is. There is a lot of cruelty in the world, even from people you would never expect it from.
People who are truly so lost in translation of their own pain and angst that it is not even possible to penetrate them.
THIS, to me, is exactly why we must do our personal work. We must do those practices that support us in connecting to that well of inner resource from deep within so that we may meet conflict and other challenging moments with integrity.
Practices that provide the platform for us to stay grounded in the swirls and meet fellow humans with understanding, compassion, kindness, and non-reactivity.
What I really uncovered in the past few weeks is that when we show up with our truth and are attacked unnecessarily it is highly traumatic. Therefore, we must tend to ourselves and our nervous systems as if we are coping with trauma. What I also understand in my bones is that the process is multi-layered and ebbs and flows depending on the depth of the experience.
Below are some simple and embodied ways of grounding and integrating oneself in midst of meeting conflict, means of returning to center, and of taking care of oneself. As this is fresh in my body and being, I am hopeful that my suggestions will be supportive to your process.
· Resource yourself in your body: Conscious and embodied movement, track sensations, slow everything down and tune in. Get yourself onto the ground, let the earth beneath you support you, hold you, rock you. Stay with yourself.
· Be gentle and kind with yourself: Be soft and sweet with yourself in midst of this time. Do not take the gunk out on you. Do whatever you need to to come back to your center with gentleness and kindness.
· Let the emotions move and circulate (i.e. feel it to heal it): Encourage the various emotions that surface to come up and out. Provide the platform for your tears, your anger, your fear….let them all have “voice” and circulate. Do not suppress your emotions.
· Eat nourishing foods: Take the time to prepare your food lovingly and mindfully. Eat nutrient dense and locally sourced foods that are grounding and support both your body and the planet.
· Reach out and connect with others: Find ground through anothers ground, especially if you are swirling in emotion and feel disoriented.
· Focus on your breath: Making sure you are breathing to your full capacity….deep breaths in through your nose filling your entire rib cage, chest, heart, throat, belly…and exhale out the mouth letting your jaw be soft, lengthening out your exhale twice as long as your inhale, letting your whole body empty. Encouraging the breath to circulate throughout your entire body.
· Melt into the experience: We know that what we resist persists. Conflict is so easy to try and avoid but it will continue to creep into your realm if you do. By melting into the experience on the whole…the pain, the fear, the letdown, the hurt….all of it, it provides the opportunity for it to shift, heal, and morph into inner power.
· Spend time in quiet connection with yourself: The world can be so noisy with input, opinions, feelings about what you should or should not do, etc etc. Spending some time in quiet with yourself is the best medicine for these moments. After all, you are your greatest teacher and all the answers truly do lie within.
· Do not abandon yourself! Stay close to yourself. Honor yourself. BE with yourself. Do not jump ship even when you may want to!
Conflict is a natural part of living a human life.
We cannot avoid it.
Bringing mindfulness, intentionality, and compassion into these moments is pivotal for the possibility of meeting another in this space.
Resourcing ourselves in our bodies and our hearts, learning how to calm our nervous systems, and speaking our truth in integrity is a deeply rewarding process, if we can learn to trust ourselves and let go of the outcome.
Take good care of yourselves. Reach out if you need support.
I am here.